My verse for Today: For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass.  The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away:  But the word of the Lord endureth for ever.  And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you. (1 Peter 1:2-25)

Today was a fairly hard day.  The rain was cold.  I did not sleep much.  I napped from 6 to 8 and awoke in a funk.  I bought a fleece today cuz it was cold.  I didn't do the work I needed to do for College Pro.  I am really slacking with my responsibilities.  I feel very guilty.  Sometimes I have nightmares about being arrested, or going to court and found guilty for crimes I never committed.  I think I feel an excessive amount of guilt.  Listening to calvary christian radio I realized also that I tend to be a "victim".  I think I enjoy the sympathy from others.  I would often daydream in class on what it would be like if suddenly my parents or my brother died.  How sympathetic everyone would be to me.  How much they would regret being cruel or apathetic.   I need to stop trying to be a victim.  I need love I guess, don't we all.  Sometimes I feel very alone and I commit certain self-destructive acts that possibly spur the whole "victim" scenario.  Usually these acts are private, and I play the scenario to myself or to God.  However, in the end it just makes me hate myself and feel guilty.  If someone is reading this, please pray for me.  I am not suicidal or anything, but I need help to move into a freer and more joyful life.  I need prayer.  God bless you all. †

Currently Reading The Holy Bible Containing the Old and New Testaments: King James Version, Black Imitation Leather By National Publishing Company see related

Today was decent.  I was a pall bearer at my uncle's funeral.  I found out that his stroke saved him from going through the pain of pancreatic cancer, which noone knew he had until after the autopsy.  I got  a lot of work done, but still have a big paper due.  I am trying to understand Kant.  I understand a little.  I think that all these philosophies that try to find morality without God seem empty.  It just started to thunder.  I miss thunderstorms.  There was this one thunderstorm...well, that's  another story for another time. 

I got in a little spat with my brother on the way to the funeral.  He thinks I'm too depressing, and I think he's too selfish.  I guess we're both messed up. 

My uncle's death has taught me about God's mercy, as suprising as it sounds.  God had saved him from the misery and drudgery of his life that was causing him pain, as well as the future pain of going through the most painful form of cancer. 

I don't think I am depressed all the time.  I am probably too mellow for some people.  If I had my Bob Marley CD, I'd listen to it right now.  Someone "borrowed" it without ever giving it back.  That seems to bother me a lot right now.  It seems the more material posessions you own, the more stress and fear you are liable to have. 

Tonight a good friend came over and we talked about public schools, home-schooling, backpacking equipment, God's providence in finding love, and how being a Christian makes a person stand out.  

My mom told me that someone told her that I am a beautiful man.  I don't know what that means.  I am not very handsome by any measurement, and I'm only about 5'4".  She says that it is who I am.  Its not my features as much as it is my person.  It was a nice compliment, though beautiful is a word that I wouldn't use to describe myself, nor any other man.  I think the only beauty that may be seen from me is the beauty of Christ.  Therefore, I forward the compliment to Him.  I know myself too well to take a compliment like that.  I'm still too much of a sinner, but if Christ has found a way to use this broken person as a vessel for Himself.  Then amazing be His grace. 

I think its funny that no one will read this.  It kind of makes me sad, but why should I care.  If anything, I will just keep writing, as if this is a journal.  If anyone does come across this, God be with you.  Be strong and courageous, for the Lord is with you, no matter how much you feel otherwise.  I need to remember that.  †

Currently Reading Critique of Pure Reason By Immanuel Kant, Paul Guyer, Allen W. Wood see related